Monday, September 1, 2025
Written by
Ryan Kidder, MSW, LISW

Do you sacrifice your needs to help others? Feel guilty when putting your needs before those of the individuals you are trying to help?  Many of us entered helping professions like teaching, counseling, or social work because we care deeply about people. While this is a very honest and noble cause, it is equally important that we are mindful of our capacity and personal well-being.

There are two psychological theories that help to explain these patterns of thoughts and behaviors:

  1. Subjugation Schema – an early maladaptive pattern that develops in childhood and is characterized by the belief that one must submit to others to avoid rejection or harm, leading to suppressed needs and potential resentment ( Subjugation Schema ).
  2. Self-Subjugation -  a core belief system where one’s own needs are consistently deprioritized in favor of others, often leading to emotional exhaustion, physical symptoms, and personal fulfillment issues. Individuals dealing with a self-sacrifice schema must work to overcome guilt associated with self-care, recognize and address emotional deprivation, and break cyclic patterns of neglecting personal needs to achieve balanced relationships and well-being (Self-Sacrifice Schema ).

So, do you ever feel guilty for taking time off from work for a doctor’s appointment? Do you struggle to ask for help, even when you need it? Do you ever feel guilty for saying no to a request?  What about even taking a personal day??? 

Denying ourselves these things can quickly lead to resentment and burnout. And, at that point, are we doing any good for anyone? What can you do about it?

5 Self-Care Strategies You Can Commit to this School Year

  1. If you are sick, stay home to rest and take your doctor-prescribed medications.
  2. If you are in therapy and find it beneficial, stay in therapy - even if your sessions are during daytime hours.  If your employer is covered by the Federal Mandatory Leave Act (FMLA) and you qualify, you are eligible to receive this benefit (FMLA Mental Health ).
  3. Take time every single day to do something you enjoy, and be mindful of that experience.  Even if it is only for 5 minutes. Don’t think of this in terms of deserving/not deserving. This is judgmental language that we want to avoid. Time is a precious resource, and it is hard to have a life worth living without pleasant events.
  4. Say no.  If you are a “yes-person” and say “yes” the majority of the time, you may find that you become the go-to person for requests. People learn to ask more of those who give a lot, and it takes conscious effort to set and enforce boundaries to protect the time necessary for your personal well-being.  Just because you have a few unstructured minutes in your schedule does not mean you have time available to commit to a new task for someone else. Some of that time needs to be used for self-care. So, if your gut tells you to say no, say no. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but it is essential to establish and maintain boundaries with people in our lives so that we can strike a balance between caring for others and attending to our own needs.
    • Tip: Practice different ways of saying “no” before you get asked. “I appreciate you thinking of me to help with this, but that isn’t something I can take on right now.” Or “I am flattered that you asked me to support that project. While I can’t take this on right now, I would be interested in supporting this work in the future.”
  5. If you are up for it, try to do something this week that might be a challenge for you. Nothing too overwhelming, but something that maybe you have been putting off. If you complete this challenge, take time to be proud of yourself. This will increase your self-esteem and self-worth and will also create behavioral activation to keep pushing yourself toward your goals. If you don’t succeed, that is okay. Give your grace and reframe it as a learning opportunity or a step forward. 

Resources for You

If you feel that you need additional support for your mental health and well-being, the Scanlan Center for School Mental Health Clinic is here to help. Our individual or group counseling services might be a good option for you.