If you worry about your child’s emotional well-being, you are not alone. Many parents are concerned about their children's mental health, with 86% expressing some level of worry that their child will struggle with anxiety and depression (Pew Research Center, 2023). Talking to your child or teen about their feelings can be hard, but it is important. 

In this blog, we will walk you through practical, research-backed tips to help you create a safe, open environment where your children feel heard, understood, and supported.

What Does Age Have to Do With It? Understanding Developmental Stages

As kids grow up, their cognitive and language skills evolve. This also affects how they think and talk about their emotions. It's important to talk to your child in a way they understand.

Preschool and Elementary School-age children:

• Developmentally, younger children think more concretely. They have a stronger understanding of things that can be experienced directly through the senses (what they see, touch, hear, taste, or smell is easier to understand). The ability to expand to more abstract thinking grows as they progress through elementary school.
• Tend to think of feelings and behaviors as "right or wrong" or "good or bad."
• Likely to use simpler language to talk about feelings (e.g. happy, mad, or scared). They may not fully grasp more abstract feelings like jealousy or anxiety.
• Increasingly think about how others might feel but may have more difficulty predicting what others may do or how they feel. 

Pre-teens and Teens (Ages 11 and Up):

• Start to understand that feelings and behaviors aren't just "good or bad" but can be more complicated.
• Use more words to describe their emotions and can think about and discuss them in deeper and more nuanced ways.
• Can think more abstractly (about things they cannot directly see, touch, hear, or smell) about others’ points of view and their own.

Remember, these are just general guidelines. Every child is different and might not fit perfectly into these age guidelines. Use this as a starting point to understand your child's development.

Conversation Starters: A Streamlined Approach

Regardless of your child’s age and developmental level, here is a simple formula that can help you open the door to discussions about their emotions.

Observe + Label + Wait = Conversation Starter

1. Observe.

• Body Language and Actions: Notice if your child has tears, a smile, or a worried expression. Are they clenching their fists, looking closed off, or seated away from others? Are they slamming cupboard doors?
• Verbal Cues: Pay attention to what they are saying - - or not saying. Notice their volume (Is it loud? soft?) and tone of voice (do they sound sad, angry, excited?).

2. Label out loud.

• Stick-to-the facts: Describe what you notice to your child. Stick to the observable facts. For example, "I noticed that you have been slumped down and sighing while doing your homework."
• Emotion Identification: Suggest an emotion based on your observations but leave space for your child to correct you. For example, "It seems like you might be feeling frustrated. Is that right?"

Using visuals can help children and teens to better clarify what they are feeling:

• Emotion Faces: Feeling Faces - photos, Feelings Chart with Animals and  Feelings Emojis
• Feelings Wheel: Feelings Wheel - rotates! and Feelings Wheel - printable

Credit: Strong4Life: Children’s Health Care of Atlanta

Credit: Geoffrey Roberts Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling as Implicit Emotion Regulation. Emotion Review, 10(2), 116-124. doi:10.1177/1754073917742706

3. WAIT (then Validate). 

Silently count to five in your head before saying anything more. This gives your child time to shift their attention and think about their feelings. 

• Allow your child to express their feelings and even correct you (if they are having a different feeling than what you guessed).
•  If they don't want to talk or their emotions are too strong, let them know you will be there when they're ready.
• Validate: Listen and acknowledge your child's feelings or needs. You can validate your child’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with their actions.

Examples:

• "I hear you're disappointed that you didn't get the part in the play."
  • "It looks like/sounds like you are feeling frustrated that you cannot get the answer to the math problem."

Tips and Tricks

1. Remain Calm: Keep your own emotions in check and take deep breaths. Emotions are contagious. In order to help your child be in a calm place to talk, you need to model calmness. If you cannot, it is best to wait until you feel better able to manage your own feelings.
2. Look for Entry Points: Find opportunities to discuss well-being and practice the formula (Observe + Label + Wait). Do not wait to practice! You can use it for everyday situations, and it may feel more manageable to start with neutral or positive experiences. Example: “I see you are smiling and jumping up and down (Observe), are you feeling excited to get ice cream (Label)?”  
3. Be Honest and Direct: Kids appreciate honesty.
4. Self-Care: Validate your own feelings and recognize the importance of your efforts.

Addressing Suicide and Self-Harm Concerns*

Sometimes, talking to your child about feelings and emotions may lead to concern about their personal safety, and if they are engaging in self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you are concerned about suicide, it is important to ask your child. 

Quick Facts:

• Asking about suicide does not increase the risk of suicide.
• Be direct in your language: For example, asking your child if they “don’t want to be around” or “don’t feel safe?” might mean different things to a child. Be clear and specific: “Are you having thoughts about suicide?” 
• Work to remain calm: Take deep breaths to stay composed.

*NOTE:  If you or someone you know is in imminent danger, we recommend calling 911 and/or going to the nearest emergency room.  You can also access a list of crisis resources on our website or download a crisis resources flyer for more information.

If you would like to learn more, watch our free webinar Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Connecting with Kids and Teens about Mental Health, where we provide additional tips for talking with your child or teen.  

Additionally, the Nurturing Healthy Minds webpage provides other resources aimed at helping parents and caregivers distinguish between normal stress and serious mental health challenges in their children or teens. 

References 

Pew Research Center, January 2023, “Parenting in America Today”